The Top Chefs take it to the Pond
Top Chef ALL STARS gave us an awesome opening this week. The girls all decided to keep their bras to themselves and go to bed, while the boys hung out on the roof top deck where we finally got to see “crazy ghetto” Marcel get all up in Asian Dale’s face while Tre and Richard just watched in amazement. Okay, so you know that thing really bitchy women do when they have an attitude and say “what” while leaning back, sticking out their chest, and throwing fake gang symbol hands, well that was totally Marcel AND IT WAS AWESOME! Apparently, according to Dale, if he had been the “old Dale” he would have beat Marcel’s ass. I’m not quite sure if Dale is talking about the Dale on his first season or like 8 year old Dale, but in my mind I’m seeing a tiny little 8 year old Asian boy beat up Marcel. Go ahead a stop reading this for a second and picture that. It’s awesome.
The next morning the chefs get up bright and early. It’s so early Fabio thinks, “it is too late for a midnight snack and too early for breakfast.” In my book that means it’s the perfect time for greasy good trailer tacos…please give me that challenge Padma. But, no, instead they chefs find out they are going to Montauk, Long Island to go fishing. Oh, are they driving themselves…in Toyotas! Did you know the chefs drive Toyotas? Did you know that a Toyota makes a great “driving to the beach to catch some fish and gut it and make it into a great dish for a TV show” car? Oh, well they do and the seats are made from Glad Wear and it runs on Dawn Dish Soap.
They get to the beach and Padma is there with Tom in a plaid shirt. It’s very “Top Chef in the country”. There is no Quickfire this week, instead that time is taken up with hilarious footage of the chefs trying to catch fish by slapping the water with their poles. If that reads weird, I’m sorry, but that is what everyone on the second boat was doing. They are split into 4 teams of 3. Mike, Angelo, and Black Tiffany share a boat with Marcel, Fabio, and Richard. Fabio just knows he will be awesome at fishing because his dad was on a fishing team in Italy. But, on the other boat is Dale, Carla, Tre on one team and Antonia, Jamie, and White Tiffani making up the last team. Dale thinks he will be the best fisher because his dad was also a fisherman and to prove his domination he catches a fish in the first five minutes. Then he catches the monster of all Stripped Bass which he calls “Marcel sized”. White Tiffani eloquently described the moment of Dale’s sweaty victory as he pulled the fish over the side of the boat as, “it was like he was giving birth and the baby was crowning.” Eww. Oh, and Antonia screams like a 12 year old at a Justin Bieber concert every time she hauls in a Bass.
Once they are back on dry land and Angelo stops freaking out and looking for sharks, the challenge for the chefs is to cook the fish they have caught in their groups to feed a party of 200 on the beach. Carla is worried because she only caught Blue Fish and they are “oily and trashy.” Jamie thinks the sun is only shinning on her. Fabio, Angelo, and Marcel decide to make only one dish because maybe they all had the same idea at the same time. That part is skimmed over by the editing. What we do learn is Fabio thinks it’s a great idea because if they wind up in the bottom it will be harder for the judges to decided which two people to send home. Did I say this week is a double elimination? Well it is. Also Fabio and Richard have a little bromance going. That is until Richard starts bossing Fabio around to hurry up and puree the dang corn. “I love him to death…” Fabio starts, but I don’t know how he finishes that sentence because his accent gets so thick which I swear is something he can turn off and on when it serves him best.
And when does Fabio become like 100% Italian charmer? When he talks to people who are going to eat his food. Seriously, he could give people a paper plate with a Slim Jim and half a moldy peach, but as long as he can flirt with the Italian schoolboy charm turned on high, people would eat it up (pun intended). Carla is also adorable selling her food to the hungry beach party goers, but guess who isn’t? White Tiffani. When this woman smiled and said, “Hi. How are you,” I thought it was Voldermort hiding beneath her white chef’s coat. Oh, and Gail looks like she is wearing scrubs.
At judging the favorites are Dale, Carla, Tre (who showed a picture of his family and they are gorgeous), Black Tiffany, and Angelo. They really loved Dale’s fish tacos with Bass, corn and avocado relish, creme fraiche, radishes, and cabbage even though Tom was a little worried earlier on that he didn’t make his own tortillas, but the win (and a trip to Amsterdam) went to Carla for he excellent “tribute to New York bagel” which was a smoked Blue Fish lettuce wrap, pickled watermelon rind, radishes, and bagel croutons. The judges thought it was perfect dish to enjoy on the beach. That means that bottom was made up of Jamie, Antonia, White Tiffani, Fabio, Richard, and Marcel. The boys defended them only making one dish by arguing that after the last challenge they really wanted to be a team, and being a team meant all working together on one really great dish. The problem was it wasn’t really great. They made Sea Bass, Succotash, corn puree, tomato confit, concord gastrique, and jamon air (ham air)? The judges thought it was a horrible beach dish, there were way too many ingredients, and Marcel is back to his old trick of putting a foam on everything. But, I guess their plan worked of confusing the judges so they couldn’t decide who to send home because they all ended up safe. This means that Jamie and White Tiffani were sent packing. Jamie’s Stripped Bass, watermelon salad with fresh dill, shaved radishes, and cucumber water was, well too watery and bland, so she was sent packing. All together now, “IT’S ABOUT TIME!” Sadly, White Tiffani also had to head out for not taking out the bloodline on her smoked Blue Fish with tomato, roasted corn, and zucchini ribbon salad.
Next time on Top chef ALL STARS… RESTAURANT WARS, Black Tiffany (sadly the only Tiffiany now) yells a lot, Fabio flirts as the front of the house (big surprise), and Anthony Bourdain is back!